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 Parenting in the 90's continued... Another major change in current society is the heightened status of children. The old adage that "children should be seen and not heard" has been replaced with the presence of children in almost every previously adult-only situation. Children, even very young toddlers, often go to work with their parents, eat out at sophisticated restaurants with their parents, and take part in adult discussions. An even bigger change in today's society is that children are allowed to make major decisions in their own lives at very young ages. An example is the five-year old I know whose parents let him decide which preschool to attend. Children who are allowed too much decision-making power too soon often suffer from high anxiety. This is because young children profit from the safety and security of knowing their parents are in full charge of their welfare. The different status of children and the busy |
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"...both mom and daughter are terrified to find out what will happen without the added help." The structure of the family hierarchy has also changed. According to Jane Nelson in her book Positive Discipline, children no longer have a role model for obedience because the roles in the family and in society are vastly different. Father is rarely seen as "father knows best" and mother is likely to be out running her own company. No group of our society willingly submits to any other group. Although this major change has been positive in promoting equality among all people it can cause havoc for parents and schools when they need children to obey and conform to rules set up for the children's best welfare (such as going to bed without procrastinating). The changing configuration of families has also affected parenting. Working parents, single parents, step-parents, blended families, grandparents as parents -- all the various life-styles make up for a rich "hodgepodge" of different parenting approaches. We are far more heterogeneous as a society than we ever were before. This offers our children the advantage of learning to adapt and embrace all the differences between human beings. However, it can require extra work for parents since there is no longer a "group norm" of how children ought to be raised or educated or even how they should behave. For example in a suburban neighborhood in the 50's it was likely that every family in the neighborhood sat down to dinner at approximately six o'clock. In Manhattan in the 90's it is probable that not one entire family, dwelling within one city block, is even home by six! Why parents need to become strategists Given the above description of society and children in this decade I believe that parents of the 90's need to be expert strategists in order to be effective in their role as protectors, nurturers and preparers. The better parents are at collaborating on creative strategies to support and motivate their young people the better their children will be at developing their own sense of self-worth, self-discipline, sound judgment, community spirit, a kind nature, a sense of humor and all the skills needed to compete and cope in today's world. If parents balk at their parenting tasks, blame each other, avoid problems, won't negotiate together on strategies for raising children and give up their power to set limits, then children are likely to use the same ineffective gestures in their own lives. The best overall parental strategy used in the past and still functional in the present is to develop yourself as a calm, consistent, comfortable authority figure. The family and the world need such leaders. In contrast, some old parental strategies that don't seem to work in today's society are lectures, warnings and spankings. Children today are too used to sound bites to attend to long lectures and too sophisticated to heed dire warnings. For example, tell a five-year old to wear his jacket or he will catch cold and he may well tell you the latest research on exactly how viruses are passed from one nasal passage to another! Many parents are no longer comfortable with corporal punishment of any kind. Consequently parents need to develop new and different strategies. Parenting strategically means planning, directing and following up on a whole operation. This means identifying the skill or concept that their child needs to learn, figuring out a creative way to teach it and then checking to see if the lesson is being used. Plan  Stay aware of and gather information on what your age child needs in order to protect himself/herself physically, mentally, socially and emotionally. Without spending much time you can gain such information from parent magazines, doctors, school teachers, instructional television and, of course, books. However, I think the best resource is other parents who are raising or have raised children because they will offer a broad view of situations faced by children of all ages. In a recent parent teleconference I led for mothers of 8-10 year old girls (these tele-conferences are small groups of parents who "meet" weekly on the phone with me) one of the most agreed rewards of such meetings is getting to hear how other parents handle different situations.
Direct Act! "Don't preach." For young children a useful strategy is to act out a situation using all the family members. This kind of strategic drama is more useful than mere words in helping a child actually know what behavior to apply in a given situation. For an older child a workable strategy is to have a teenager tell you through "laid back/no judgment/no advice" family discussions what is working in his/her life and what isn't. The key in such discussions is for parents to stay calm and not to panic, start to preach or to issue orders when they hear something fearful. The most repeated statement I hear from teens is "I can't tell my parents anything because they'll freak." Follow-up Let some time pass and then check to see whether your strategy has worked. Three examples of strategies for parents that reflect the protecting, nurturing, and preparing duties are:
Parents often feel helpless when they observe their children getting into trouble and developing bad habits. Acting strategically offers parents a way out of that helpless feeling. It also brings parents together to collaborate on plans and organize their own behavior and this saves time as well as emotional energy. For the parents of the 90's time is a precious commodity but so is family well-being. Parents who are willing to design and use strategies effectively can assure themselves that they are carrying out their parental mission and promoting an emotionally healthy family. Mary S. Foote, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice in New York City. She also leads individuals and groups of administrators, teachers, parents and trustees toward effective communication and strategic resolution of conflict. |
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parents tell me that it is far easier and faster to clean the bathroom themselves or else to pay someone to do it than it is to "hound" the children into doing family chores. As to consequences, I often hear stories similar to this one: a conscientious and well-meaning mother recently told me that she was still helping her 11th grade daughter write, type and do research for her English papers so that the girl would maintain her high grade point average and gain admission to a prestigious college. Now both mom and daughter are terrified to find out what will happen without the added help.